Okay? Okay.

13 months today!:) this month has been a crazy ride of ups and downs, that's for sure. i thought it was going to get easier... buuuut, i was wrong. it seems to be getting harder and scarier as the time goes on. you realize that after so much time, you begin to wonder if things will truly play out like you'd always planned. it's probably the worst feeling, but i'm doing my best to just ignore it.

thirteen months = thirteen letters 

to update Elder Cook, he is doing absolutely fantastic. he is loving helping and serving others just as he always has. he was made district leader and put into a new area, una, where one of the girls i talk with on facebook is from. he gets to baptize in the river in this area, and he loves that. he is amazed by the creatures he sees in brazil... like snakes, bats, and different insects :\ it freaks me out a little cause i need him to be safe, and he's a boy and thinks he can get close to take pictures (ahhh!) but over all, he's happy, healthy, and doing very well. i am proud of him. the internet connection is horrible, so our time to talk is very limited. sometimes he doesn't even get to write me. but i know he's busy and will write when he can. Joe's birthday was on march 26!! he's a big boy now ;) 20 years young. i can't believe it. i'm so happy he was born on that very special day. the world would be no world at all without Joseph Brent Cook :) i made sure to send a special birthday/early easter package.

UNA

Joe's birthday/easter package

the month of march was really getting me down and i questioned myself more than i should have on many things. i won't go into details, but i was feeling completely abandoned spiritually, physically and mentally. i have had struggles before... when i was 16-17 years old i dealt with major major depression and this past month, it felt like it was coming back. the only way i felt worth anything before was because joe made me feel so. with what has been going on this month however, it was like i was worthless again. there's a saying that goes something along the lines of... "isn't it wonderful when you find someone who can make you smile, but they also end up being the reason you're broken." (i could have totally made that up, which i did, but you get what i mean right?) all the people around me care for me and lift me up, i just wasn't feeling it at all. i also felt like heavenly father wasn't hearing my prayers. i was being selfish in this thought though, i realize. it's not that he wasn't hearing me, i just wasn't willing to hear and listen to him. i think i've been looking for answers that i want to hear and now what he knows i NEED to hear. i'm working on these issues and am trying harder to accept the will of god rather than painting my own picture. it's been hard. and i still struggle. but i'm trying.

i'm so grateful for conference!! what a wonderful weekend. i learned SO much and felt the spirit strongly. i felt like all the talks in this morning's session (sunday) were being spoken directly to me. here's what i loved and learned:
-----i loved President Uchtdorf's talk and his quote, "How much of life do we miss waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God for the rain?" how true is that? and if you think about it, without the rain, there wouldn't even be a chance for a rainbow! without trials and struggles in our lives, we wouldn't know the difference between joy and pain. there would be no opposition.
-----i also loved sister Jean A. Stevens' and her quote, "The gospel is not weight. it is wings. it carries us." i was so inspired by her wording on this!! so cheesy, but it literally took my breath away. (the poet side in me!) the gospel gives us more freedom and strength in the eternal perspective. it will carry us as far as we allow it to... even to becoming like our Master, Father and God himself.
-----next, Bishop Stevenson's talk and his idea of a "4 minute performance." this wasn't his quote but my own, "You only have 4 minutes, so what are you gonna do about it?" what are we going to do to run our race and claim our prize? we have checkpoints in this life, spiritual markers that help us along the way. i loved his quote, "The miracle of the atonement can make up for the imperfections in our performance." Christ has made up all the difference. because of the atonement, we are saved. but that doesn't mean we don't have something to do, something to give back in our performance to Him. we have to strive to do our best, for Him.
-----David A. Bednar and his idea/truck story of carrying our own load helped me put trials into perspective. it's so true that though they weigh us down, that extra load or spiritual traction gives us the ability to push forward... even when we don't realize that it gives us the power to do so.
-----President Monson's talk. oh don't even get me started! i loved his quote(s), "Love is the very essence of the gospel." and "You may forget your kind words today, but the recipient will cherish them forever." and "Blame keeps wounds open, only forgiveness heals." YES! the last quote struck me hard. having struggles, dealing with certain issues, and feeling like you yourself are to blame i think everyone has at some point in life) is difficult. but we have to be able to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made and will make. if we keep blaming ourselves, the wounds will never heal and you will never move past the mistake.
-----and then in the last session, L. Tom Perry's talk really impressed me. i loved his analogy about the "horse team" and how the driver is the Lord and the harness and bit are the spirit. i used to ride horses and it's true, if you barely tug, the horse will turn. if only we were always that sensitive to the voice of the spirit! basically, we need to be like horses!!!;) hahah

by the way, after conference, i made this picture and LDS General Conference shared it on facebook and it currently has over FOUR THOUSAND "likes" NOW! how freaking cool is that??

over the month, DIVERGENT also came out and i am completely obsessed. literally. i've seen it 3 times and counting. also, just the other day, i read "The Fault in Our Stars" in one day. anyone ever heard of that book? well, don't read it unless you want to cry for the rest of your life. (UGH!) seriously. i didn't expect what was coming at all and i completely lost it. i'm SO EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE, but i'll be in Fiji when it comes out. i'll have to wait a little extra while, but i am going to the theater by myself with a box of tissues. Okay? okay. -insert hysterical sob here- (p.s. i named my post after something special in the book. it gets me every time.)

selfies in the theater || DIVERGENT 

:( -sobs sobs sobs sobs sobs- :(

when you see this movie, you will not be able to breathe. ahhhhhh :'(

school is getting close to the end and i'm doing so well. i don't mean to brag but i have a 4.0 and i am so proud of myself. i wasn't my best in high school and usually didn't get near 4.0. but i've been keeping up in college and i consider that a huge accomplishment.

also this month, one of my dearest friends got her mission call! ALASKA BABY! seriously couldn't have been a more perfect call for her. she will be one heck of a missionary and i am so proud of her:)