what if?

so i've decided to update just a tad early because my regular once a month isn't going to cut it for june. as much as i would have loved to post on june 6th, which is 3 MONTHS DOWN, i will be touring the country. i'm headed to every church sight from Utah to NYC on Heritage Tours! i am so excited. it's basically a 3 week mission prep :) i know it's going to strengthen my testimony and increase my knowledge of the gospel in ways i never could have without experiencing it first hand; going to the actual place where Joseph Smith stood... where God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him... ohhh i'm so EXCITED!!!

in other good news, this thursday is my high school graduation! CLASS OF 2013 BABY!!! i seriously can't believe it. it's surreal because school is all i've ever known, and the people around have always been there. now everyone is going their separate ways to college and honestly, it's scaring me a bit. i'm not worried about losing my friends or anything like that.... just with the fact that it's time to grow up. i'm 18, but i still feel like i'm 12 years old at heart. not quite sure how much i like this growing up thing. i guess it's necessary though right, if i want my missionary to come home and see me as someone who is ready for marriage and as someone who is ready to experience the real world.

can i start off by saying that the first 3 months really ARE the hardest? there are a few specific reasons why they seem to be:

1. you haven't seen or talked face to face in 92 days...
2. letters get spacey. i haven't heard from him in 3 weeks :( and he doesn't like to email. i'm kind of worried that the letter i sent never actually made it to him.
3. you start having doubts which then turn to fear, just to have it turn around and go back to being perfect again. GAH! i hate when this happens. there are so many roller coaster emotions and it makes me CrAzY!

some days i know i've totally got this, and other days i feel like, "what if it really doesn't work out?" then i have to slap myself for ever thinking so. it's hard. waiting is hard. but in the end, i know it will be worth it... right? it has to be worth all of the tears, and hurt, and weeks without contact, and everything else. it will be worth everything just knowing that someday... he'll come home and hold me in his arms once again. just like one of my favorite quotes says:

"Being away from you is the most painful thing ever. But it's worth it because of the day that you will hold me in your arms, and never let go." 

someday, he'll never let me go. i can't wait for that day. when time loses all meaning, i mean. after you are sealed to each other, time literally means nothing. you have eternity! ETERNITY to be with each other, yet, i still feel like that will never be long enough for me.

i'm so grateful for elder cook's service. he is doing the Lords will and i love it so much. i love him so much! and i know he loves being out there more than anything in the world. i miss him terribly, but at least the days have been going... i've found that staying busy really does help, and trying not to count the days specifically (even though i totally have one of those temple missionary countdowns haha). in reality, the work our boys do is only 2% of their life. they've had eternity to prepare for it and they'll have eternity to reflect on it, but they only have two years to live it.

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i've had some really neat experiences with the spirit these past two weeks:) they've been small and simple things, but have made a huge impact on my testimony of the Holy Ghost. i've been very grateful for the experiences that help me see that Heavenly Father really does care. He watches over us and gives us the experiences we need to strengthen ourselves. i found this quote/prayer the other day and it instantly became my favorite!

it struck me so hard! Heavenly Father knows me exactly, which is why sometimes... i feel so afraid. what if i let Him down? what if i make a wrong decision? what if i try to figure things out on my own and pass by what Heavenly Father actually intended. i pray so hard for what this quote says. i need Him. i need the spirit to guide me and give me strength. i need the wisdom and direction from His hand in order to feel like i'm doing something right. i don't ever want to let Him down. i don't ever want to make a decision i'm not supposed to, even though i know i'm human and i will make mistakes.

in the end, i guess it's just knowing that you tried your best. God isn't going to be upset if you tried, right? i just need to remember that. it's so easy to think and compare your efforts to someone else's... and i have that problem. specifically with this whole mission announcement. everyone i know is going, and i feel like if i don't serve, i will be looked down upon. or that Heavenly Father would be disappointed in me. which brings me back to what i said before... i don't want to make a wrong decision. what if God is telling me to do one thing, but i don't see it? what if i'm choosing for myself and passing by what is supposed to happen? does anyone else feel like this sometimes? i'm so afraid that i will mess something up... timing.... my future... just by making one wrong decision. i guess that's what faith is though; trusting in God no matter what, even if you don't know the outcome. 

sorry i ranted for a bit.. it's something i've been needing to get off my chest for a while. i know i just need to move forward with faith and confidence in the future. Heavenly Father knows my heart and intentions and that's what i'm counting on... 

happy may:)

may 6th was 2 months down, people!! does it seem like time is flying, because i can't decide? part of me says yes and the other says heck NO! i've heard the first 3 months are the hardest and i believe it. waiting and waiting and waiting......waiting......andddd still waiting. good thing we know it will all be worth it in the end :) i mean, how can i know he will dedicate eternity to me if he didn't dedicate two years to our Lord? that's why i'm okay with him being gone, because... i know he is where he is meant to be, for now.

in other news, may 3rd was PROM!!!!!!!! hate to burst the excitement bubble, but i didn't get asked. yeah, senior year... didn't go.... oh well. my friend cassidy and i went and saw iron man 3 instead!! so awesome. if you haven't seen it, go. ohhh and no big deal or anything but my birthday was this past saturday! may 4th! i'm 18 :) i spent the day at Temple Square taking beautiful pictures of my future castle (pictures brought to you by myrandathurmanphotography) it was such a nice day and i enjoyed it very much. later that same day, i had a "party" with some of my best friends. they came over to my house, we ate some olive garden, and we watched leap year :) cutest movie ever! (even though the redhead chick bugs me a bit!) it had a perfect ending... just like i'm praying my story will <3

school is winding down, thankfully. i took my AP psychology test yesterday and it wasn't too bad. besides the first FRQ which i totally bombed on, but other than that ;) i think i did alright. graduation is in 23 DAYS and then i'm outta here for a month; i'm going on heritage tours. i can't wait for that. we're gonna go visit all the LDS church history sights! i think i'm most excited for Adam-Ondi-Ahman, where the Lord will go when He comes again. or maybe navoo. or new york. i don't know actually. wherever we go, i'm just ready to feel and experience an incredible spirit.

yesterday was p-day:) we all know what that means!! EMAILS!!!!!!! well, to be honest, i usually don't get any because Elder Cook prefers hand written letters, but i checked anyway and...... drum roll please...... there were TWO in there from him! umm yeah. you could imagine the look and smile on my face when i saw them. it was a birthday email:) you have to know why i was so happy though. you see, the previous thursday before my birthday, i'd been expecting a letter. i went to the mailbox though, and there was nothing there. i basically broke down that day because i thought, "of all the weeks to skip out on writing me, you chose my birthday week?" anyway, long story short, he did email yesterday and apologize for not being able to write. this email/letter was my favorite so far. he said, "I hope this brightens your day my sweet dearest most sincere friend. the love of my life, you're the apple to my pie, you're the straw to my berry, you're the one i wanna... marry.... Sister Thurman you're a wonderful choice (est) daughter of God. No one like you will ever walk the face of this earth. You are unique and one of a kind. You're truly a divine Daughter of God. He loves you and so do I." :) ahhhhhh!!!! i love him... and miss him so very much.

lastly, i just have to add - it is pouring rain as i write this part of the post, and it's taking me back in time :) back to the time when we danced outside in the pouring rain to our favorite songs. i was in his big yellow sweatshirt and he was in a t-shirt. we were drenched in 2 minutes, but didn't care... we danced like no one was watching. we sang like no one could hear. and we loved like nothing could tear us apart. i still remember the look on his face as he looked at me, sopping wet. he, not having a care in the world as to what my hair looked like, whether or not makeup was streaming down my face, or whether or not people were watching. he held me close, told me i was beautiful and made me feel like i was the most important person in the world.

i can't wait to dance our timeless waltz again when he comes home :)

thanks for reading and have a great week!!

PICTURES:

me and cassidy at iron man 3 :)