in other good news, this thursday is my high school graduation! CLASS OF 2013 BABY!!! i seriously can't believe it. it's surreal because school is all i've ever known, and the people around have always been there. now everyone is going their separate ways to college and honestly, it's scaring me a bit. i'm not worried about losing my friends or anything like that.... just with the fact that it's time to grow up. i'm 18, but i still feel like i'm 12 years old at heart. not quite sure how much i like this growing up thing. i guess it's necessary though right, if i want my missionary to come home and see me as someone who is ready for marriage and as someone who is ready to experience the real world.
can i start off by saying that the first 3 months really ARE the hardest? there are a few specific reasons why they seem to be:
1. you haven't seen or talked face to face in 92 days...
2. letters get spacey. i haven't heard from him in 3 weeks :( and he doesn't like to email. i'm kind of worried that the letter i sent never actually made it to him.
3. you start having doubts which then turn to fear, just to have it turn around and go back to being perfect again. GAH! i hate when this happens. there are so many roller coaster emotions and it makes me CrAzY!
some days i know i've totally got this, and other days i feel like, "what if it really doesn't work out?" then i have to slap myself for ever thinking so. it's hard. waiting is hard. but in the end, i know it will be worth it... right? it has to be worth all of the tears, and hurt, and weeks without contact, and everything else. it will be worth everything just knowing that someday... he'll come home and hold me in his arms once again. just like one of my favorite quotes says:
"Being away from you is the most painful thing ever. But it's worth it because of the day that you will hold me in your arms, and never let go."
someday, he'll never let me go. i can't wait for that day. when time loses all meaning, i mean. after you are sealed to each other, time literally means nothing. you have eternity! ETERNITY to be with each other, yet, i still feel like that will never be long enough for me.
i'm so grateful for elder cook's service. he is doing the Lords will and i love it so much. i love him so much! and i know he loves being out there more than anything in the world. i miss him terribly, but at least the days have been going... i've found that staying busy really does help, and trying not to count the days specifically (even though i totally have one of those temple missionary countdowns haha). in reality, the work our boys do is only 2% of their life. they've had eternity to prepare for it and they'll have eternity to reflect on it, but they only have two years to live it.
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i've had some really neat experiences with the spirit these past two weeks:) they've been small and simple things, but have made a huge impact on my testimony of the Holy Ghost. i've been very grateful for the experiences that help me see that Heavenly Father really does care. He watches over us and gives us the experiences we need to strengthen ourselves. i found this quote/prayer the other day and it instantly became my favorite!
it struck me so hard! Heavenly Father knows me exactly, which is why sometimes... i feel so afraid. what if i let Him down? what if i make a wrong decision? what if i try to figure things out on my own and pass by what Heavenly Father actually intended. i pray so hard for what this quote says. i need Him. i need the spirit to guide me and give me strength. i need the wisdom and direction from His hand in order to feel like i'm doing something right. i don't ever want to let Him down. i don't ever want to make a decision i'm not supposed to, even though i know i'm human and i will make mistakes.
in the end, i guess it's just knowing that you tried your best. God isn't going to be upset if you tried, right? i just need to remember that. it's so easy to think and compare your efforts to someone else's... and i have that problem. specifically with this whole mission announcement. everyone i know is going, and i feel like if i don't serve, i will be looked down upon. or that Heavenly Father would be disappointed in me. which brings me back to what i said before... i don't want to make a wrong decision. what if God is telling me to do one thing, but i don't see it? what if i'm choosing for myself and passing by what is supposed to happen? does anyone else feel like this sometimes? i'm so afraid that i will mess something up... timing.... my future... just by making one wrong decision. i guess that's what faith is though; trusting in God no matter what, even if you don't know the outcome.
sorry i ranted for a bit.. it's something i've been needing to get off my chest for a while. i know i just need to move forward with faith and confidence in the future. Heavenly Father knows my heart and intentions and that's what i'm counting on...
The first 3 months are soooo hard! I haven't even gotten to the 2 month point yet, but it's been a crazy roller coaster ride. Pretty much everything you said is exactly how I feel!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that my boy always told me is this: Eternity is forever...so it doesn't really have a beginning or an ending. This reminds me to live worthily of having that eternity with him and that his mission is really part of our eternity together.
As missionary girlfriends, we are so blessed for supporting our missionaries in their righteous service. I think that you have a really good attitude about this all! Remember, God gives his toughest battles to His strongest soldiers so only the strongest girls can be MGs!